Get your hands off my nuts!

In a world where animals are literate…

Today I received a reply to my letter (to read original letter click here)

“Dear Hairless Ape,

Who do you think you are sending me threatening letters?  I think you will find that this patch of land actually belongs to me and has been in my family for generations.  If anyones behaviour is unacceptable, it is yours.  You are the one who keeps cutting back my trees and cluttering up the space with your smelly exotic plants; and as for that prize chilli you mentioned, I had to destroy it; it attacked me; burnt my mouth for me simply giving it a friendly sniff.  I can’t let my children be around dangerous vegetation like that.

I am, however, regretful for the death of your conifer but you have to understand things from my point of view.  The winter is coming in fast, the misses has told me she is expecting yet again and I already have nine mouths to feed.  What’s worse is I am wanted by the head of the Feline Mafia and the area is becoming over populated so I am literally putting my life on the line by going out every day to find food.  Then, you move in and cover my normal storage areas in some horrid pellets that kill the slugs and contaminate my food.  And trust me, nobody wants contaminated nuts.  So the only option I have left is to store in your pots.  Meaning occasionally a shrub or two gets hurt.  Thats just the way it goes.

I must say that I do appreciate the scraps that you throw out for me, though I have found it doesn’t keep well once buried 😦 – I am a respectable squirrel; I am a loyal husband, loving father and I keep my nuts in immaculate condition.  I would hope that we could come to some sort of arrangement but if you are going to continue to threaten and harass me then all I can say is, BRING IT ON!

Yours Squirrely

Mr P Nut”


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