If I had the power to talk to animals, I would choose to talk to the squirrels in my back garden. This is what I would say.
“Mr Squirrel, thank you for choosing to visit my garden on a daily basis. If you don’t mind me saying, you have a beautiful coat and I always admire how serene you look when you perch thoughtfully on the back wall. However, I have been less than impressed lately with some of your behaviour. I am not sure what part of town you grew up in, but over here it is not polite to dig up peoples pot plants and make a mess of their patios. Especially after I have gone to the trouble of feeding you daily with nutty bread and seeds. And I am sure you are aware that pushing my prized chilli plant off the window sill, letting the pot smash to pieces is considered criminal damage. The worst of it was when the poor little conifer, that you dug up time and time again, finally gave in and died. This is unacceptable and not becoming of a respectable squirrel. I am however willing to overlook all of this if you can agree to keep your grubby little paws out of my plant pots and on your own . If not then I may have invest in a cat…
P.S. Bread isn’t like nuts, you can’t bury it for the winter.”
And without word of a lie, Mr Squirrel has sat on the back wall staring at me the whole time I sat writing this…I think he knows I am talking about him…I’m scared!